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Bionicle- Nova Orbis- Mystery- Chapter 2 by NickinAmerica Bionicle- Nova Orbis- Mystery- Chapter 2 by NickinAmerica
After all that zipping around from place to place last chapter, I felt like making some quiet, character building scenes. We're also introduced to a few new faces who will become more relevant in upcoming chapters.

And yes, the Matoran now have teeth. ...'cept the Ba-Matoran.

I had so much fun with the Vo-Matoran scene. For those who are curious, her music would sound something like this. www.youtube.com/watch?v=_g-Hxx…

And I suppose her lil' love song that she played for Calor would sound something like this (minus the drums). www.youtube.com/watch?feature=…

Also got a new page of Rise of The Devilman coming up in a few hours!


Chapter 1 >> nickinamerica.deviantart.com/a…

Chapter 3 >> nickinamerica.deviantart.com/a…

Full series >> nickinamerica.deviantart.com/g…


Feedback is appreciated.
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:iconburkeonthesly:
burkeonthesly Featured By Owner 2 days ago
There's definitely some solid character-building here, but I'm also seeing a few small problems in the writing. You're starting to slip when it comes to description, telling more than showing. You tell us that someone is an impassioned speaker, or a good leader, when those are conclusions best reached by the reader themselves. You might better support those gestures by breaking up the monologues with descriptive text to lead the reader through changes in tone, stance, gestures--even finding more contextually appropriate synonyms for "said" could help.

Finally, while I understand it's supposed to be a surprising, shocking moment, the transformation at the end of the chapter feels abrupt and under-described. Even from a non-omniscient third-person perspective, we're left wondering--the new Toa are in awe of what, exactly? How their new bodies feel, or just that they've been upgraded, or what? Are they looking themselves over, looking out over the crowd with new confidence, straining at suddenly ill-fitting armor, what? What is it about Calor that looks confused? I'd love to know.
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:iconnickinamerica:
NickinAmerica Featured By Owner 2 days ago
Yeah... this is far from my best work. Some of the later chapters are an improvement, but I was still so new to writing in this format. I've been making comics for so long, which is all ABOUT showing, that I didn't know how to tell without... telling.

As for the Toa... all of the above, I suppose.
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:iconburkeonthesly:
burkeonthesly Featured By Owner 1 day ago
I'd say, to work on showing, a couple of things: take the time to describe things, with as much detail as someone who was there might be able to observe. You'll find in time that this habit helps you imply to your reader when something is or isn't important. When something is described in careful detail, it's probably going to be relevant later. If something gets a brief, offhand mention, it's probably just scenery (and once you've created that expectation, you can play with it a little). Also, try to keep the perspective consistent within a scene. If the point of view isn't an omniscient third-person narrator, then we probably only know what the point-of-view character is thinking and feeling directly.
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:iconvaria31:
Varia31 Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Still loving how authentic this feels, right down to the "fish" sign written in the Bionicle alphabet. ;) So... new Toa. Let's see how this pans out.
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:iconmace3739:
Mace3739 Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2014
Soooo AWESOME!!!
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:icontoalorikan626:
toalorikan626 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014
so im guessing the matoran teeth are a agori inheritance?
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:iconnickinamerica:
NickinAmerica Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014
Yes... though these teeth are made of Protodermis, rather than having an enamel like ours.
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:iconjakest123:
jakest123 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It seems to me that Calor is an Av-Matoran. If so, I wonder how that will play a part in future.
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:iconnickinamerica:
NickinAmerica Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014
Spoiler alert: He isn't. I even had Banhi poke fun at that. Rest assured, he is a Ta-Matoran... just not a particularly hot-blooded one.
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:icondcaldwell101:
dcaldwell101 Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2014  Student Artist
You should be make comic books you could make a lot of money.
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